Day Twenty

so asides from working towards shaking a habit that has ravaged my body, I’ve been pretty disappointed with quitting smoking. I expected more madness, more Hunter S. Sweats, more hallucinations and nightmares about lizard people. So here are some fake … Continue reading

The movie finished

Ah, sorry, I stopped paying attention.

Long story short, he got murdered by the only woman in the movie, who then herself was exploded by a land mine.

He was also attacked by the honky from the start, who made him stand on that land mine. Its all I can find on youtube, and it is probably worth more of your time than any of my previous posts.

I’m in a low budget movie from the 1970′s and I just got shot. Now what?

I’m in a low budget movie from the 1970′s and I just got shot. Now what?

Hi there. The 1970′s was a pretty dangerous place for ugly stuntmen with bad hair. Whether it be bullet, shuriken or Cynthia Rockrock’s Wing Chun Nike Stilettos, the chances of you getting murdered with some shit was pretty high. But what do you do once you’ve been hit in the chest with nothing, and a squib is pumping fake blood made mostly out of asbestos out of your chest while simultaneously burning off all your nipple hair.

Here is a handy guide of things you could do, to make this scene if not the best scene, then definitely a scene. In a movie. That happened one time.

1. Look Surprised!

Like, really surprised. No one has ever gotten shot in the chest and gone ‘I have definitely been shot in the chest’. In real life, the first thing people think when they are shot in the chest are things like ‘did I just poop myself?! in the chest?! how… blaaaarg…’. You can look confused like you’re not sure what’s happening, or confused like you thought you were meant to be somewhere else, or maybe your stove is on.

For best results, think about the movie you thought you’d be making and the way you felt when a guy with a neck beard started strapping explosives to your chest.

2. Turn around and try to walk away very slowly, using something to support you.

Once you’ve looked surprised, and then run a full gamut of totally random emotions, going from sad to dying to aroused to flatulent back to sad, you’re going to want to turn around and walk away slowly. You can’t just walk away normally though, amateur! You need to gently edge your way along something, maybe a table, mouthing something, and dragging your feet.

3. Fall off something.

Are you on a balcony, near a window, or standing at the top of a ladder dressed as a window washer trying to uzi-murder an ex Olympic Skier played by Grace Jones? Man, she is probably going to shoot you pretty bad now. When she does, you’re going to want to…?

LOOK SURPRISED!

and then, just straight up fall off some shit. Try and do it as slowly as possible. Don’t worry, they’ll slow this all down in post. Speaking of slow motion, you should also just mouth a whole bunch of stuff. Maybe some Hamlet — it doesn’t matter, so long as you look pained, and/or flatulent.

4. Get back up, and then fall down again.

No one likes a quick henchman death, except for maybe the audience, or anyone who has ever worked on a movie, so don’t let it end too soon! If you’ve fallen off something, make it look like you’re not going to fall off it, and then fall off it. If you’re walking away slowly, stop walking away, drop to one knee, and then start walking away again.

Day 11

I am, by nature, a pretty stressed out person. In fact, you could say that I am addicted to stress. Life in Brisbane has become immensely less stressful, but still has bursts of stress, caused by myself, and festivals I … Continue reading