Day 3

Interesting night. The first night I slept really well, and had really vivid dreams. Yesterday I forgot to put a patch on after a shower, and figured I’d see how I went without it.

Good and bad, I guess — last night I remember waking up a lot and all of my dreams having something to do with cigarettes. But I remember that in the weird way you remember dreams, where now that I think about it maybe I didn’t dream about it at all and maybe I just dreamed I dreamed about it. What?

For years I’ve had weird instances of nightmares associated with sleep paralysis, and will spend what feels like hours trying to shake myself awake but being unable to move, as weird floating faces come out of the gloom to leer at me. Finally, I wake myself up, but the lure of sleep is so strong I slide right back in to it, and then the faces, and bird masks, and weird shapes on the ceiling, and trying to wake up again.

But then when I wake up properly in the morning I can’t tell whether I actually woke up in the night, or dreamed I woke up in the night.

I know: dreams. How fascinating.

My first day home alone without Tessa, working from the loungeroom on a few different projects. Already, I can’t think of a single thought I’ve had today that hasn’t been about cigarettes — mostly about how good it is I haven’t had one, but still. Cigarettes. I’m definitely going to need another patch.
On a positive note I’m getting these jittery bursts of energy and creativity, coinciding with my head feeling extremely warm. On a less positive note, my lungs ache. On a more positive note, yesterday afternoons bike ride didn’t leave me feeling like my internal organs were trying to barge their way out of my throat.

Swings and roundacbouts!


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